I’m a Money Expert—and I Lost Nearly $100,000 to the Man I Planned to Marry

Portrait of Chloe Elise smiling, wearing a blazer, with \201cThe Cost of Starting Over\201d overlaid in yellow text. — (Image credit: Chloe Elise)

In The Cost of Starting Over, Marie Claire speaks with women who have experienced seismic change in their lives. They reveal the true price of beginning again, from the financial stakes to the emotional toll.

Chloe Elise built a career teaching women how to feel confident with money. Her life in Kansas City, Missouri looked picture perfect, but behind the scenes, she says the person she trusted most was quietly draining her bank accounts over their five years together. Looking back, she describes the alleged betrayal as a form of financial infidelity.

The 30-year-old money expert and author of Deeper Than Money spoke with Marie Claire about how it all unfolded, the financial and emotional fallout, and what it took to finally walk away.

Before the Financial Fallout

In 2016, I was a full-time college student studying economics and Spanish and working multiple jobs. I was in the mailroom for workstudy, a babysitter, an after-school tutor at an elementary school, a personal assistant, and a “lunch runner” for a trading firm, which was basically DoorDash plus an office cleaning service. I also donated plasma twice a week and rarely ever missed unless my iron was low and I got denied. I was so fed up from working constantly and still feeling broke, plus student loans and a car loan had me in $36,000 of debt. A breakup got me really into personal development, so I made a list of what I wanted to change about my current circumstances and money was at the top.

I thought examples of financial infidelity were huge scandals—and not something that could happen to me as someone who was good with money.

I started teaching myself about personal finance. I checked out books from the library and watched YouTube videos, which is how I learned it’s important to have an emergency fund, even while paying off debt. I started saving and built up about $7,000 in a year. I spent pretty much every waking moment working to put money towards paying down debt, but I still managed to meet my ex-fiancé one night out at a bar. He was older and had graduated.

The relationship felt simple and fun. It was wining and dining in the beginning, which created this image in my mind that he had his life together. He’d also been working a corporate job, so I felt like the younger, more immature kid.

The First Red Flag

About six months into dating, I found out he was considering taking out a payday loan to cover a car loan payment. He claimed he’d lost his credit card and didn’t want to miss his payment. I knew how bad payday loans were and said he could borrow my debit card to make the payment and cover other costs while he waited for his replacement card. He ended up taking the debit card to ATMs all over town to withdraw the $7,000 in my emergency fund. I felt like I was being pranked and there had to be some sort of explanation.

He admitted to a gambling addiction and said he was going to pay me back every cent. I thought I should break up with him, but he was so charismatic, so visibly upset, and gaslighting me into thinking I’d be a bad human if I left him while he was struggling with addiction. Even one of his loved ones reached out to me to express concern that he might harm himself if I left.

The Escalation

After the loss of my emergency fund, I rebuilt it the same way I’d originally created it: I hustled. It was soul-crushing to think of the money he took from me, but I looked at it as a curveball—and it lit a fire under me to build a financial foundation that no one could take away from me.

As the years went on, I started sharing online about my journey to debt freedom and how I began building wealth without compromising my lifestyle. Seeing the impact of sharing my story and people wanting to learn about my process led to the creation of my financial literacy company Deeper Than Money.

I was sharing about financial literacy to an online audience of more than 500,000 while my partner was stealing from me behind my back. It made me feel like a failure.

Eventually, I was able to quit my corporate job and become a full-time entrepreneur, but my ex kept getting fired, so I ended up supporting him. Anytime he had any sort of assets, he would leverage them, and sell them to have money to gamble. We had good times too, though, and I thought everything bad in our relationship was because of his addiction.

Then he started to figure out creative ways to steal from me, like taking one of my cards to get groceries, buying some, but then also taking cash back. Or borrowing money from my friends and telling me, “You can let them be mad at you or you can pay them back.” Then things started to go missing. He’d convince me I’d lost them and berate me for misplacing my stuff. It made me so anxious and self-critical. Eventually, I found out he was selling it all on Facebook Marketplace.

He even forged confirmation emails that he’d paid off debts and lied about paying off his student loans. This started complicating my relationship with my online community.

I threw a party to celebrate him getting debt-free; beforehand, I discovered he hadn’t actually paid off any of it. It felt like such a betrayal to my community. At the time, it felt like I couldn't go back and tell them it was a lie because I was protecting him. It created so much shame and distrust in myself. In my mind, if he would choose recovery and sobriety, then everything else would be fixed, which is why I said yes when he surprised me by proposing publicly.

I thought to myself: "I did want this at some point, I'll just make sure he changes before the wedding." The day after getting engaged, he said, “By the way, I had your sister pay for the ring. I don’t have the money to pay for it, so you’ll have to Venmo her.” He’d told her we go over finances once a month, and he didn’t want me to see the charge on his account.

The Break-Up

Around the time of the proposal, I started going to therapy, which is how I realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Oftentimes financial infidelity comes with mental and emotional toxicity and abuse. But at the time, I thought examples of financial infidelity were huge scandals—and not something that could happen to me as someone who was good with money. But now I see financial infidelity as one person in the couple betraying the other’s values and trust.

I also went to a support group for the partners of those struggling with addiction. One of the wives pulled me aside and said, "Are you married to him?" I said, “No.” She said, "Run." That shook me to my core.

It was soul-crushing to think of the money he took from me, but I looked at it as a curveball—and it lit a fire under me to build a financial foundation that no one could take away from me.

An incident made me realize he was never going to change, so I told him we’re going to break up and even offered him a lump sum to get his own apartment. He was dependent on me and I wanted it to end amicably. He was furious and didn’t think it was enough. He even said, “I’m two months away from getting half [of everything by getting married].”

The final night I saw him was frightening and resulted in my putting all his stuff in the hallway and telling him to come get it. I’ve never seen him since.

The Financial Costs

Over the course of our entire relationship, I’d ballpark that he’d easily taken around $100,000 from me between me manipulating me into repaying his debts, outright stealing, and me financially supporting him.

I did make a document with a timeline of everything and linked to receipts. I included text messages, bank statements, documents he forged, and Venmo receipts. My therapist had me do this in case I wanted to file a restraining order, if I ever wanted to try to recoup some of the money, or if he tried to come back and claim I owed him.

If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I want to calculate how much time the financial infidelity set me back on the path to my financial milestones. I never got paid back for any of it, but I was so happy to be free.

The Emotional Costs

All the lying and manipulation created such a distorted reality that I stopped trusting myself. I wasn’t honest with friends and family about what was happening, which was so hard, and created a lot of distance in those relationships.

Plus, I felt like I was betraying my community. I was sharing about financial literacy to an online audience of more than 500,000 while my partner was stealing from me behind my back. It made me feel like a failure.

My friends didn’t learn the full story until after we broke up. Luckily I have the best friends in the world and all of them immediately dropped everything to support me, and never held it against me that I had distanced myself.

A photo of Chloe Elise with her bridesmaids in pajamas. — Chloe Elise with her bridesmaids.

It took longer to be open with my online community. I shared that we broke up, but it was triggering to keep getting asked what happened. It took about a year before I was ready to talk about it.

I did a lot of healing work in therapy prior to dating, but after my previous engagement I said I’m never getting engaged or married. I didn’t want to ever have to trust someone in that capacity. Then I met someone.

Life After Starting Over

I recently got married and going into a wedding feeling joy, ease, pure excitement, and love was so healing. It was opposite to how I felt prior. My intuition had zero hesitation and fear.

Deeper Than Money keeps growing. Hiring people is one of my proudest accomplishments. I wrote a book and I've purchased two properties now that are short-term rentals. In addition, I also purchased my first commercial property that I am renovating to become Deeper Than Money’s headquarters, and bought my dream home in 2023 in Kansas City.

From a personal perspective, I hit my goal of becoming a millionaire before turning 27 and am now a multi-millionaire at 30.

My experience with my ex, while traumatic, made me more passionate than ever about teaching women how to have financial independence to leave bad situations and to go after their dreams.

The Money Lesson

Make sure to create financial boundaries and have financial independence. In my story, the financial infidelity happened from the person who didn’t have the finances to the person who did, when it’s often the other way. In that regard, I felt incredibly lucky because ultimately, even though there’s trauma, I had the independence and power to get out of that situation.

It’s important in any way, shape or form to create some type of financial independence, like having your own savings account on the side.

TOPICS

Erin Lowry the author of the four-part Broke Millennial series, which includes: Broke Millennial, Broke Millennial Takes On Investing, Broke Millennial Talks Money and the Broke Millennial Workbook. She considers herself a financial translator and aims to make money less complicated and stress-inducing for her fellow millennials. (Or anyone else!) . Erin’s been on CBS Sunday Morning, CNBC and The Rachael Ray Show. She has written for The New York Times, USA Today, and Bloomberg Opinion. You can find her newsletter at brokemillennial.substack.com.