You've probably heard of Chris Pratt. And perhaps Chris Pine, person who has taken to wandering around wearing man overalls. And let us not forget about Chris Evans (oh Captain, my captain!) and Chris Hemsworth (the best Hemsworth!).
All of these people have three things in common: They're actors, their names are Chris, and they're really, really ridiculously good-looking. (Probably because they're carbon copies of each other, not separate humans. Oh, they are separate humans? Hard to tell. Anyway...) Let's rank their movies by hotness (1 being hottest, 11 being nottest), shall we? Because why not!
11. Chris Pratt: Passengers
Wow, shocking right? That any movie would have a less-hot Chris than the not-seminal and not-at-all classic Just My Luck, starring Chris Pine? Well surprise, Passengers is last on this list due to the fact that Chris Pratt's extreme hotness is balanced out by the film's "problematic" plot. That said I guess this beard was an okay moment if you're into that kind of thing:
10. Chris Pine: Just My Luck
Begrudgingly including for people who had their sexual awakening whilst watching this movie. If you fall into this category, you're in our thoughts and prayers.
9. Chris Evans: Captain America
So, Captain America. Did I ever mention that I don't think Chris Evans is all that alluring in it? You can't even see his hotness under that costume. This movie ranks third-to-last—that's right, third. to. last.—partially because I'm still not over Evans and Jeremy Renner calling Black Widow a "slut" and a "whore" during press for The Avengers. Am I taking a sexism-related grudge out on this list? Maybe.
8. Chris Evans: Newcomers
Look, as far as I'm concerned, if you don't love Chris Evans at his Newcomers, you don't deserve him at his Captain America. THE POINT IS Chris Evans plays a hot guy in a small town whose sole purpose, it seems, is being hot and from a small town.
^ Chris Pine is not the only Chris who wears onesies!
7. Chris Pratt: Guardians of the Galaxy
Please, consider the hair tendril:
And once you're done considering the hair tendril, consider the abs:
6. Chris Pine: Into the Woods
I'm here to argue that Chris Pine was extremely A+ as Into the Woods' pompous and self-absorbed Prince Charming. Do not @ me. In fact, I am going to make you all listen to him sing "Agony" which is the best part of the whole movie. Don't you dare scroll past this video without pushing play!
5. Chris Pratt: Jurassic World
What Chris Pratt lacks for in personality in this movie, he certainly makes up for in being extremely swoll. More like Jurassic Biceps, amirte? (Answer: iamrite.)
^Footage of Chris Pratt in Jurassic Park and also footage of my arteries telling me not to have another piece of pizza.
In related news, apparently this happened on set, and after staring at it for 15 straight minutes in an attempt to decide whether it improves or impedes Pratt's ranking, I'll just leave it here sans comment:
4. Chris Evans: Gifted
This is A) the movie where Chris Evans shed his Captain America-y exterior and demonstrated some real nuanced acting chops, and B) the movie where he met Jenny Slate, Coolest Human Ever. (Pretty please get back together.) But it also happens to be the movie where Evans is swooniest (it's a word, I promise), and gives off massive #daddy vibes.
"Who me?" he seems to say. "I'll just be over here, killing you softly with my beard."
3. Chris Hemsworth: Thor
Honestly, there is one reason and one reason alone that Chris Hemsworth as Thor ranks so high. And that one reason can be broken down into three words: '90s hair tendrils. So bad, but so, so good.
But honestly a lot of Chris Hemsworth's attractiveness in Thor is a direct result of Tom Hiddleston's attractiveness wafting through the air on set and infecting everyone. So does it really even count? IDK, life is confusing and I don't have all the answers.
2. Chris Pine: Wonder Woman
"CHRIS PINE IN WONDER WOMAN IS RANKING HIGHER THAN CHRIS HEMSWORTH IN THOR?" you ask while throwing your computer across the room. Yes, he is. And please be advised that there are several key reasons this decision was made.
Exhibit A is this nearly nude GIF, in which Chris Pine frolics about in some sort of swimming hole whilst naked and then gets defensive about his penis. Ha ha, men!
Exhibit B is a behind-the-scenes GIF demonstrating how even Gal Gadot, married woman with children, is thirsting for the tall glass of man water known as Chris Pine.
And Exhibit C is the fact that Chris Pine was down to be cast as the male equivalent of a damsel in distress. He is THE FACE for progress in Hollywood! (Kidding, he is a straight white male and progress would be him no longer being the face of anything in Hollywood, but moving swiftly along!)
1. Chris Hemsworth: Ghostbusters
Find a Chris hotter than Chris Hemsworth as the stereotypical "ditzy secretary" role in Ghostbusters and I will pay you actual money.****
Lookie here, when he was like, "Hi guys! I have a backpack!"
Or here, when he wore glasses without lenses, bless!
****That is a lie, I will pay you nothing. Because you cannot find a hotter Chris.
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