The Stupification Of Mimi

Hey there, Mariah Carey! Just two quick questions — how old do you think you are and what year do you think it is?

I only ask because I just watched your new video for "Touch My Body" and there appears to be a slight disconnect between you and, well, the rest of the calendar-keeping world.

By my math, it's 2008 and you're almost 39 — but judging by your outfit on TRL this week (red lace tank top, black bra, tight jeans with some sort of chain attachment and cherry-red stripper platforms), you seem hell-bent on the notion that you're just shy of 16-year-old prostitute in the outskirts of Bangkok. Mariah, there is this store called Fred Segal. There are these people called stylists. You can use some of your millions to hire one of them to buy you an outfit from Fred Segal.

Then you introduced the actual video. I won't even deal with the lyrics about a webcam ("If there's a camera up in here, then I best not find this flick on YouTube.") My main problem was the blasphemous waste of the wonderful Jack McBrayer (Kenneth from 30 Rock), getting stuck with the clichéd part of a wimpy, star-struck computer geek. I know you were trying to be tongue in cheek here — at least I hope you were — but the attempt at humor comes off all too forced, like when Martha Stewart tells a joke or Courtney Love shows up someplace sober. Third, this video has only reinforced my long-held suspicion that what you find seXXXy is exactly what a 12-year-old would find seXXXy. While this theory came about after I saw a magazine photo spread that showed off an entire Hello Kitty-themed room in your apartment, it was entirely confirmed by this video homage to a preteen fool's paradise: Your answering the door in black garter belts and white robe before segging into various "fantasies" — a pillow fight in a slip and stilettos; playing laser tag (get a Wii, already!) in a metallic silver lycra dress and tube socks; a pink party frock and a unicorn; and the obligatory Britney's-already-been-there Catholic school uniform (which you Mimi-fied with a croptop, stiletto boots and flashing cotton panties under your kilt). The montage ends with you back in "real life," sporting jeans and another black midriff top…that you've knotted on the side because it wasn't, presumably, cropped enough. The whole 4:16 minutes were stupefying. Don't get me wrong, though — this would have been an AWESOME video back in 1992, when you were 22.