10 Things Not to Do in Bed

1. Put lipstick on your nipples, bronzer in your décolletage, concealer on your bum, or mascara on your landing strip

2. Proclaim to your partner how you love anal so much that you want to do it at least twice a day for the rest of your life

3. Remain silent as you approach orgasm, expressing yourself only through sign language

4. Come to bed covered in baby oil, massage oil, whipped cream, hot wax, honey, maple syrup, chocolate sauce, cherry pie filling, cookie dough, cake batter, balsamic vinegar, extra-virgin olive oil, truffle oil, body paint, glitter, ice cream, gelato, sorbetto, or orange sherbet

5. Role-play as CNN's xenophobic anchor Lou Dobbs and the sexy, undocumented Mexican maid

6. Swap with the hairy, overweight, exhibitionist swingers next door

7. Put on red lipstick before performing fellatio, to leave a record of the encounter on his member

8. Call it a "member" or anything other than its anatomical designation. Unless you're talking dirty, in which case: Go to town, naughty girl

9. While in reverse-cowgirl position, give him a reflexology foot massage, sing "I Touch Myself," and tongue-wrestle with the members of the three-piece band accompanying you at the foot of the bed

10. When it's all over, make French toast for everyone