All the Things Your Live-In Boyfriend Does (That You Have No Idea About)

I've been living with my girlfriend for some time now, and friends often ask how it's going. It's lovely. It's nice to come home to her. I am so glad we don't have to commute to sleep over at one another's place and then wake up at the crack of dawn to go feed the cat. It's awesome. Except.

Except I can't do...certain things I'm used to doing. My male friends feel my pain. And here, FYI, we're laying it all bare.

Let's start with the most obvious:

Masturbate—A Lot

If you think your boyfriend isn't doing it just because you have sex a few times a week, then you, my friend, are wrong.

That abnormally long shower? He's masturbating. That quick slam of the bedroom door when you come home? He's masturbating. That missing towel from the bathroom? He just got done masturbating.

One hundred percent of the men I surveyed said that when their live-in partner left the house, they were prone to use that opportunity to jerk off. Everywhere in your home. And it's not just when you leave the house! It's also when you won't wake up in the morning and he has some time alone in the bathroom before work. Actually, if you're reading this in bed, your boyfriend may, right now, be jerking off in the shower. Along those lines, your boyfriend still watches porn. Duh.

Practice Our Secret Artistic Pursuits

There are also things we used to do when living alone that we will hide from you until our dying day. One guy I know will use any afternoon his wife is gone to try to record a song with Garage Band. He's not a professional musician by any means and he realizes he might look and sound ridiculous, so he hides it. We do impressions in the full-length mirror. We talk to ourselves, and sing retro rock anthems at the top of our lungs. We get it all out so by the time you come back home we're happily watching television as if that's all we've done that day.

Indulge in Some Temporary Fanciness

Every guy has a little secret stash of something. When you leave, or if you're passed out in the other room, we might just reach for it. This stems from the desire to be a bit indulgent now that "we" time has become "me" time. It could be pot, particularly if he knows you're not into it. He might pour an expensive whiskey and smoke a cigar. He might log onto online poker. Or he might binge on Nutella, peanut butter, and marshmallow Fluff (true story).

Do Stuff You Would Get Suuuper Mad About

Finally, there's the stuff we will never, ever cop to. (Except here, in this very public forum. Ahem.) Namely:

• Googling or Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends
• Texting other girls. WE ARE JUST FRIENDS, but still, we know you don't like it, so we hide it from you
• Peeing in the sink because your roommate's hogging the bathroom
• Sitting on the fanciest chair you own naked
• Checking our old Tinder account

On behalf of all men, I apologize for getting stains on the furniture. I apologize that we're way bigger nerds than you think. I apologize for our secret stashes. And I apologize if we forget to clear the search history and you discover a slew of photos of our ex. We love you. Please don't make us sleep on the couch.