When It Comes to Parenting, Gabrielle Union Says Bring It On

Gabrielle Union has spent close to half of her life performing on screen. In her 20s, she delivered still-quoted performances in teen classics Bring It On and 10 Things I Hate About You, moving on to hit film and television roles like the successful (if not slightly complicated and messy) cable news anchor Mary Jane Paul and DEA agent Sydney Burnett. She’s an award-winning actress, best-selling author, writer and producer, but the reason I found myself Zooming with Union just a few weeks ago is for a role that’s landed her in the spotlight time and time again: Mom.

There is no facet of parenthood that Union, now 52, hasn’t seemingly conquered (though she’d beg to differ). From stepping into her own as a step mom to Zaire, 23, Dahveon, 21, Zaya, 17, and Xavier, 11, and setting the example for how to create a blended family with husband Dwyane Wade to welcoming the couple’s daughter, Kaavia, 6. Along the way, she’s proven to give exactly zero fucks about what anyone thinks about her decision to use a surrogate, has been open about her fertility struggles, and become a fierce advocate for stepdaughter Zaya who is transgender.

At a time when parenthood feels so fraught, with its playground side-eyes and judgy social media opinions, Union is refreshingly honest about the highs, lows, and in-betweens of modern motherhood. “Nothing we have done as parents feels revolutionary or groundbreaking,” she tells me. “It just feels like common sense, kindness, compassion. All the things that you wish your parents showed you when there's some aspect of your life or your personality that may not fit down the middle of the road.” Ahead, Union discusses finding her confidence as a mom, how Wade's cancer diagnosis affected her, and the village she leans on to get it all done.

How would you describe your parenting style and what does it mean to you to be a power mom?

Each child gets a different version of me because they need a different version of me. I couldn't say the things that I say to Zaya in the way that I say them to Zaire. At times I can be softer and more lenient, and then there's times where I am just straight-up bad cop because the dynamics change. Sometimes when my husband says certain things to certain kids, it just lands like an anvil around their necks that will be there for the rest of their lives. So in those cases, I'm like, I got this, because they're going to receive it differently from me. I've learned that there's no one way to parent. It's not one size fits all.

I'm curious about the dynamics in your home. Do you consider yourself to be friends with your kids?

I think with the older kids, I'm friendly, where Dwyane is their homie; he’s their friend. With Zaya, I feel like her motherly friend because we have more in common. We're both students. The things that we exchange are nothing I have with the other kids. Kaavia is so cool. It's weird to say this about a 6-year-old, but from birth, she's just different. She's such a small person and yet we're so much alike.

How so?

We're both Scorpios, we're both wildly observant, and neither of us forgets anything. No matter how much you think someone might've—she's so young, she forgot it—she didn't forget, and it's going to come back out when you least expect it. I have to really watch falling into a kiki with her—she can't have that long of a leash because then it's her household [laughs]. She just has a very strong, clear personality. We can influence her kindness. But her character? She was born with her character. If anything, it's more teaching her and showing her by example not to be a pushover.

How do you balance teaching your kids right from wrong versus letting them loose to learn lessons on their own?

I felt much more conflicted about my lack of balance with Zaire and Dahveon because their needs were just different and they needed me to be physically present. But there's no balance. I can't work in Atlanta 12 to 16 hours a day and think that I can have balance when I'm flying in on the weekends. Now I rely heavily on our village and there is zero shame in that. Not only do we have their long-term nanny, we’ve had mannies, we have family members, we have aunties, we have tutors, teachers, therapists. It's all hands on deck. A lot of us have deep shame about that. But there is no balance. I had to give myself a ton of grace and be like, I can't do it. I'm not even going to attempt having some kind of balance when none exists.

I appreciate you bringing that up, because a lot of moms may see other women or celebrities on social media making it look easy, but they themselves are drowning.

My little sister lives with us and has for the last five years. A year in I was like, not only do I not have it, the little bit that I thought I had, I'm woefully unprepared and I need help. I need help that knows how I was raised, that has the same belief systems; that's my sister. So I was like, How much are you making at your job? You love it? Would you be open to this sacred position for as long as you want to be here? And she was like, “Yep, I love that.” My husband was like, “Absolutely.” It was also at a time when we moved both of our mothers to within 15 minutes of us. I don't think we're supposed to be equipped to do this on our own. You know what I mean?

I want to take a step back and discuss your journey with surrogacy. What was your experience like and why do you think people are so judgmental about it?

Because it's different and because every single person's surrogacy journey is different. It's like any time there's any kind of variance in the experience, it's, See, I told you. You shouldn't explore this option to expand your family. But for me, it felt like failure. My body failed. It just felt like such a fucking public humiliation. Surrogacy felt like a cuckold; watching somebody do something I can't do. To be there for somebody else succeeding where I failed—it is a mind fuck for people who have had my journey and who feel similarly. When it's never been your reality, I get the urge to judge and cast aspersions because we all want whatever route we took to be the “right” way.

What do you say to the people who take issue with it?

First of all, nobody has the balls to say that shit to my face, so I don't say shit because nobody’s said shit. But also I think I lead with an I don't give a fuck attitude. If I had the ability to do this myself, I would've. Your baby's here and your baby's awesome. My baby's here and my baby's awesome.

Have you made peace with it?

No. I’ll never have peace with it, ever. And that's not a what-anybody-has-to-say thing; that's just—my yearning has never dissipated. I was so ready for my surprise, but all the prayers that didn't get answered in the way that I thought made me more conscientious that my child is here. Did I want the public applause and attention that come with being a public pregnant person? Because your baby is here. Your child is here. Healthy. Amazing [Union says to herself].

I'm very grateful to our gestational caregiver, though. It’s just one of those things where it’s such a personal journey that I may never know full peace with the coulda, woulda, shouldas.

You and Dwyane are so open about your parenting decisions. Does the public scrutiny bother you?

No, I often think, Let me see who's offering this critique. And not only am I seven years deep on your social media, I'm on your mama's page, I'm on your auntie's page, I'm on everyone who you love’s pages to see if the critique and criticism and advice that you have bestowed upon the world is paying off in any sort of real, tangible way. When I tell you I have yet to fucking see it. The commentary is the fear personified. If I can be your punching bag, swing away. These are phantom punches. They're not landing when you've been in therapy as long as I have. You recognize hurt people try to hurt people. You tried it, but it doesn't land.

People talk about my parenting decisions. Loving my kid unapologetically out loud? Not putting someone out? The bar is on the damn floor. There's not a manual. I leaned into love and then asked questions—whether that be doctors, child psychologists, people who have lived experience—I'm leaning into that. Nothing we have done as parents feels revolutionary or groundbreaking. It just feels like common sense, kindness, compassionate. All the things that you wish your parents showed you when there's some aspect of your life or your personality that may not fit down the middle of the road. It's who my child was born to be, who her soul dictates she is. It's my job to keep her safe and protected and educated and loved; and I can love her up in such a way that she can find community that exists outside of us for the rest of her life.

How do you deal with social media when it comes to your kids, specifically protecting them versus letting them possibly experience the outer world and the pain that may come with it?

For the last two years Kaavia has determined what she wants or if she wants to post anything, and it's obviously quite limited. Zaya's professional page, that's for work. No one knows what her personal page is. I didn't know until I saw a comment. I was like, That person knows me! I did a little digging and I was like, Is this you? I have a feeling very soon it's going to either be something that she just wants to do or she's going to be moving on to something else. If you see her in the wild, you'll see her in the wild.

It's not that I don't understand people's very passionate feelings about social media. I get it. I look at it a little differently, mainly because we are a public family and there are real clear boundaries about what we even share of [Zaya].

How did you find your confidence as a parent? Did mother’s intuition come to you naturally or was that something that you had to cultivate?

I've always been very intuitive. I guess people would say I'm an empath. I have an innate sense of what people are going through and what people need. When it comes to children in my care, innately, I just feel their anxiety, I feel their pain, I feel their fear. I think the more empathetic you are, the easier a mother's intuition can come to you because there is a part of you that is open to mothering the world—and by mothering, I mean showing kindness and compassion. When you're empathetic, you're more open to seeing things. You're not so closed off. You don't have to wait to be sympathetic. You can have empathy for so many different situations.

Did coming to motherhood later in life influence the way that you parent?

Oh, yeah. I have a lot more patience and a lot less resentment.

Resentment for who or what?

Resentment in relation to my ambition—what I wanted to do in life and where I wanted to go; dating and not feeling stuck or trapped. I would've felt those pangs, watching other people live what my dreams were. A lot of us were raised with mothers who were also resentful. We just didn't call it resentment. But it's that edge that's baked into some of our moms or grandmoms or aunts, where it just feels like everything that they're doing as a mother is like, they're doing you a favor—like you asked to be here, like your needs are unreasonable. And your wants? Forget about it.

[But without coming to motherhood later in life] I would not have had the unmitigated joy that I have now. I also wouldn't have the money that I have now. I wouldn't have a stable relationship with somebody I would want to parent with for the rest of my life, whether we were in a marriage or not. There is no one from before 40-something that I would want to be tied to making big, massive parenting decisions with—not just until children turn 18 but for the rest of my life.

What is the parenting dynamic between you and Dwyane?

There's nothing I enjoy more than parenting with him. We have so much fun because we're a team. Usually we decide who is Good Cop, who is Bad Cop, depending on the kid and the situation, but we're pretty much in lockstep. On the rare occasion where we are not in sync about tone, it is a challenge, but I recognize that kids need different things from each parent.

We watched Dwyane be so honest and open about his kidney cancer diagnosis. And I've heard that nothing sort of puts your mortality more in focus than parenthood. I wonder how that came into play in your household?

He was open about it a year-plus after being clear of cancer. It was hard to navigate publicly the things that were happening privately. Even though we all know plenty of survivors, immediately you go to death, immediately we all internalize his cancer. It's our cancer. I'll speak for myself when I say that the decisions that he was making hurt me about his cancer. It felt like, Oh, you're trying to kill me. And I'm going to be alone raising these kids.

It’s a very selfish response that I had, and it caused all kinds of problems, but [so did] his need for secrecy about his cancer decisions. It just starts sowing the seeds of distrust.

It just felt like he was trying to leave us—not in a marital sense, but a life and death sense. By the time he got it removed, I felt like we were more on the same page. But I wasn't prepared to then start over again with the physical healing process where he wanted his best friend, not me. He didn't want to be weak. He didn't want me or any of us to see that. It's like, I'd rather a stranger be there. I don't have to look into a stranger's eyes and see their eyes watering. It was a real lesson and hurdle, and it was just such a painful chapter.

It sounds like a lot of things came into focus or brought a different sort of clarity. What else has become clear for you since you've become a parent?

How people are mothered and parented really does make a dramatic difference in outcomes. How your kids move through the world with ease or with anxiety or with fear or with trepidation has a lot to do with how you parent them.

I'm curious about your mom group chats. What's the last question you asked to the group?

I have one called Spring Breakers, it’s Nicole Lyn and Tia Mowry. The last question was about The Pitt. In none of my mom chats are we talking about kids. We're talking about men, pop, culture, bangs or no bangs. Today it was tariffs. I wish it was something more profound, but, yeah, it was about The Pitt. Earlier we talked about—spoiler alert—one of the characters has a miscarriage at work, and most of us have had the experience of miscarrying. And I've had the experience of miscarrying at work on the set of Being Mary Jane and having to just keep going. When your heart is literally ripped out, each pregnancy just feels like a dream come true.

You’ve mentioned going through menopause in other interviews. How’s that affected your mothering?

I was in perimenopause in my thirties, so I had some time to get used to hot flashes, memory loss, and hair loss. What I didn't know, though, was that I had this autoimmune issue that greatly impacted everything. It greatly impacted my hormones. When we talk about that edge to your voice—that I wanted to eliminate by having more patience and more wisdom and more time under my belt—menopause kind of just says, “Ha!” And my patience can shrink on a dime. And it makes it hard. It’s like, you don't want to be the monster in your house. I just didn't want to be the person anyone avoided.

When you get one of those blinding migraines and you have to sit in the dark in silence, it’s dealing with the guilt of not showing up in the way that I'm used to showing up and needing to ask for your children’s grace. I'm not great at that, but what they've shown time and time and time and time again is that they're so capable of grace.

Did your fashion and beauty style change when you became a mom?

No. I mean, if anything, I think I leaned into being sexier, because I feel I've never been more confident. Once I became a mom and I got older, I was like, Nobody can tell me shit. I'm going to put on whatever I feel like putting on that day. And if it's nothing, you're going to get this dental floss on the beach, paparazzi. If I want to wear makeup, awesome. And if I don't want to wear a stitch, I'm not being brave or edgy or it's not a movement. This is just how I feel best today. How you feel about it? I don't give a fuck.

What about me-time and self-care? What does that look like for you?

Sometimes it's like right now: not scheduling anything after this and having the whole day to do nothing. I'm not reading those scripts. I'm not selling shampoo or a diaper. Sitting in silence if I feel like it. Whether it's prayer or meditation—I use those terms interchangeably because it kind of nets out similarly. Whatever it takes for me to just be like, Oh, there she is. There she is.

Photographer Michael Oliver Love | Stylist Ashley Furnival | Hair Stylist Larry Sims | Makeup Artist Autumn Moultrie | Manicurist Thuy Nguyen