Niecy Nash Is Sharing Her Best Years With Her Adult Children
On-screen, the actress wins Emmys for playing fierce, protective mothers. Off-screen, she and her family are partying through life.
As an actress, Niecy Nash-Betts has always been committed to complex takes on motherhood. Her résumé has been filled with them, from the working single moms of Reno 911! and Getting On to the fierce caretaker of Claws to the tenacious protectors of When They See Us and Dahmer. For decades, she has combated the image of the “perfect mother” by depicting the gamut of layered, all-too-human women who experience the highs and lows of real-life parenting. Getting that message across onscreen is important for the Emmy winner, who had a less-than-traditional journey to stardom.
Before she was known for her scene-stealing zingers in Ryan Murphy productions like All’s Fair, Nash was busy raising three small children, working nights, and dragging her kids to auditions. More than two decades later, the actress has earned five Emmy nominations, led some of television’s buzziest shows, and become an LGBTQ+ icon, alongside her partner Jessica Betts.
On and off-screen, Nash proves that there's no one way that a mother should be.
“Motherhood is not one size fits all,” Nash says, during a phone interview in March. “Just because you have children doesn't necessarily make you a mother. You're a woman first, and all of the challenges that come with that are baked into these characters—or they should be. There is no perfect mom. That doesn't exist.”
Though Nash is one of the busiest women in Hollywood, the actress treasures spending time with her adult children, who she sees as friends just as much as family. Her son Dominic, 34, and her daughters Donielle, 31, and Dia, 26, are her traveling companions, her concert buddies, and even her co-stars. “It’s most meaningful when I get to work with my children or my spouse,” Nash says warmly, as she weaves across L.A. to another stop on her schedule. “I love bring-your-family-to-work day, and I love it when the art intersects our real lives.”
Nash hopes Hollywood tells more parenting stories about "masculine-identified queer women."
Ahead, Nash discusses watching her children navigate the industry, how her parenting style has changed over the years, and the types of motherhood that Hollywood ignores.
Some of your most well-known roles—When They See Us, Dahmer, and now All’s Fair—have been fiercely protective mothers facing a variety of intense challenges. What has it been like to represent these different types of motherhood on screen?
Oh, man, I love it. Every mother that I play is different. They have their own parenting styles, and it's very nuanced. I always try to begin a role trying to figure out where myself and this character intersects. So once I find that common thread, I build from there.
[For All’s Fair], there were times when I was a primary caregiver for my children. So being the one who made all the tough decisions and tough calls, that was a very interesting place. My character has three children; I have three children. The TV children and my real children all have different personalities, so you have to love them as a collective, as well as individuals. I really enjoy creating mothers that when people look at them, they can identify with them. They say, "Oh, I know a mother like that,” or "I am a mother like that."
I've always been committed to self-care and self-love outside of my children.
The All’s Fair cast really seems like a sisterhood of working moms in Hollywood. How has getting to know these women enriched your view of motherhood?
These ladies are amazing. I watch them multitask. Oftentimes, kids have to come to work. My daughter was an intern on the show, so we definitely understand the value of family, specifically our children, and loving them with all of the things. Somebody is always either on a phone or on FaceTime with a baby, or a baby is sleeping in a trailer, or a baby is working on a show. We are very welcoming and understanding of that whole thing.
What kind of stories about Black motherhood and queer love do you hope to see more of on screen?
The one category that I feel is missing and untapped is masculine-identified queer women in the parenting space and or roles. I don't think you see enough of that or of their love story, their origin story.
"It's very different when you’re having cocktails with your children, and you're like, 'Wow, this is what we're doing, huh?'"
How would you describe your parenting style as a mother of adult children?
A free-will parent. When you try to keep people from making mistakes, they go harder in the wrong direction. So I would give advice and say, "Well, if it were me, this is what I would do, but whatever you do, I support you in it.” Sometimes that support looks like them making the right decision and you cheering them on, or it looks like them making a bad choice, and the bottom falls out. Even in that space, you're there to love on them and pick them back up.
Has your definition of motherhood changed as you've experienced all of your children as adults?
Yes; I realized when we went on a family vacation with them as adults, Oh, these are not the children that I used to know. It's very different when you’re having cocktails with your children, and you're like, "Wow, this is what we're doing, huh?" We ended up at a Taco Tuesday, and after too much tequila, we all got the same tattoo. I was just like, "Who are you people?”
Family time is family time, but I hang out with my kids separately. My son is my turn-up baby, so we'll go to concerts, ball games, and things like that. One of my daughters, we’ll go to the bookstore [or] get a massage. Another one, we do lunch and shopping. So I date my children separately.
Nash describes herself as a "free-will parent" who allows her children to make their own choices, good or bad.
What have your kids taught you about love, identity, growth, and ambition?
My children are very accepting, which is the reason why I have to be accepting of their choices. I'm on my third marriage, and wherever I mixed things up, they were like, "Oh, this is what we're doing? Okay." It makes me want to have reciprocity, so it’s not just them accepting my life, but I tell them what they’re doing wrong in their life.
As for matters of the heart, I was with my daughters’ father for 17 years, and I used to often say, “I gave him my good years.” My daughters would tell me, “Not based on the way we see it. This is the happiest you've ever been. This is the prettiest you've ever been. This is the most free you've ever been. So these are really your best years.”
Motherhood is not one size fits all. Just because you have children doesn't necessarily make you a mother.
What has it been like to see your children pursue a similar career path in entertainment?
I tried to tell them all, “It's not easy. It has a lot of ups and downs. When you're booking shows, you're on top of the world, but if you don't book something, you could feel devastated.” For some of them, I thought, because you’re a more sensitive child, maybe this is not the business for you. But once they all said, "This is what we want to go towards," I said, "Go ahead. I never want to be your manager. I'm going to always be your mother.” I will help them with any audition, any self-tape, anything they have to do, but I never would promise my children that I'm going to give them a career. You got to work for that.
Nash says of working on All's Fair, "My daughter was an intern on the show, so we definitely understand the value of family..."
You’ve been very open about motherhood being one part of you, and that you are a woman and yourself first. Was that an attitude that you grew into over time, or that you started your motherhood journey with?
I've always felt that way. Even when my kids were small, I used to travel and go on trips without them so that I could be a better mother when I came back home. I've always been committed to self-care and self-love outside of my children. I feel like when you have kids, and they're really small, if you take them on a vacation, that's just babysitting them in another town, and they're never going to remember what you took them to when they were 2 years old.
After you married your spouse [Jessica Betts], you shared how your children had to reconcile the expansion of your sexuality with the mother that they've always known. Now that it's been a couple of years, how has this affected your relationship with your kids?
It's made us closer. I don't live my life in a dark corner or in the shadows. When you tell your family what it is and they know before the world knows, they respect that. You have to respect somebody standing in their truth. I feel like not only have we gotten closer, but they love my spouse. Some of my greatest times are listening to my spouse and my younger baby upstairs making music together. As a blended family, we are locked in.
If you have led your children to believe they can come to you about anything, then you did it right.
What advice would you give to another mom of adult children who's facing a really big life change and is scared of taking the leap?
Any mother, when you're making a change, the best thing for you to do is to be transparent with your children. Don't do it and then say, "I'm going to figure out how to tell them or bring them in after the fact." Honesty is the best policy.
It depends on the relationship they have with their children. Hopefully you’ve fostered something so when something happens, they don’t say, "Oh my god, I can’t tell my mom." They say, "Oh my god, I can’t wait to tell my mom." If you have led your children to believe they can come to you about anything, then you did it right. But if they fear your retribution, wrath, or judgment, it’s going to make it harder for them to come to you with their truth. As a parent, the main thing you want for your children is for them to be happy. I think if you focus on them leading their best happy life, you’ll be alright.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Photographer Damien Fry
